xxx Obsession is a well worn subject. It's a constant that keeps me like a squirmy worm rejecting complacency. My perspective comes from a citizen of the United States and to the best of my understanding we are larger than life. The size of our soda cups the sound of our laughter echoes across the world in many ways. When I walk outside it all hits me and it becomes difficult to sink into the atmosphere and do more than just survive. It makes me shake like a human Earthquake and all I wanna do is run run run. I panic and jump into the role of victim but I'm not. I have always felt like a slutty orphaned scrapper in a generic Disney flick - clothes of colorful rags and the ability to hold a sad musical note. It's distracting and dramatic but ultimately limiting so I'm getting to what I believe to be the root. Picture it Sicily! Digging in the past can be effective if you don't get trapped.xxx
A Fox stares from the fence and pressures me to spill some secrets. He's made of chalk and I'm drawn with Golddust so we tend to find some common ground. A bumblebee is scanning the screen then falls to the floor waiting for my assistance. I can't resist his Fallen Angel Charm. I scoop him up and blow him out then I'm still sitting here scared. The Fox taps his watch because he knows that the day is coming when my heart will stop beating all at once. "After drifting on a lonely sea and half watching life pass by", he warns. The dust begins to glimmer and I suppose it turns to flesh. It's working. He's got me trying. I begin to panic and miss the dust because a human body feels heavy to me.
There was a summer in my life when I was four when I finally reached the top of Bubblegum Ice Cream mountain and could rest easy atop her melting peak. I had a boyfriend named Prince, an elderly German Shepard with a tumor on his tail which would weep through its dressing as he lay in the dirt by my feet. There was no question I had it all so why even continue to try? Digging for Earthworms with an old kitchen spoon and an episode of Reading Rainbow in the near future was my version of the American Dream. "Butterfly in the skyyyy. I can go twice as high..." The first few years of my life I had already experienced too much and felt road weary. I shed my baby snakeskin and finally felt a sense of Peace and Control. I took off my shirt and my small nipples harden in the wind as I continue to dig. I reach over to hug Prince still panting by my side.
I was gently informed that I was going to be a Big Girl and go to school. As the time creaked closer I got a new purple ruffle dress we couldn't afford as a bribe. Sometimes in the middle of the night I'd slide it on behind closed doors and just stare at my reflection. The new me. I'm not afraid. The First Day of School I carefully dressed myself but by the time the mirror check came I was screaming like a woman being chased naked in an 80's slasher film. I was being separated from my Prince of Hearts and yard worms and my mommy who lived Inside. The hysteria was not effective and neither was the kicking or biting. My bag of tricks had a hole in the bottom but I refused to go limp. The entire way there I stiffened my joints like a cheap plastic doll and spit hot pink fireballs into the sky. I had practice in such extremes so I shot out of my body for the very first time.
Kindergarten pulled all the fears floating in my head and projected them at night onto my bedroom wall like a Silent Film. Closing my eyes I'd enter the flickering silver light. There were bad boys and blond girls but I didn't find myself represented in the story. "If you can read then you can write", said Louis B. Mayer through the mouth of my stuffed Lion. I followed his advice and got started. Girl With Wide Eyes: Act One, Scene One. I had trouble with the story so just worked on the Leading Role. I practiced alone and a lot until I had pushed her personality to the forefront completely covering my own. The mirror became my camera and I would watch myself cry. "Poor little girl, how can I help?" asked the stuffed Lion as Himself. I felt warmed by his level of attention and emphasized with sobbing sighs. She became my Main Character. Through her eyes I began to see glimpses of my own softly burning light. A tiny cackle escaped from my lips as I realized that the World was wrong. I didn't need to speak to be a Star.
TO BE CONTINUED★★★
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| Werk. |
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