xxx Prelude
to a Piss. I have avoided putting my work out there for years because I
am obsessed with executing everything with coolness and ease. I have a swollen ego who is taking a nap in the backseat of my
mind so I can figure out a style in a space not dictated by the judgment of my brain. My usual storytelling emits a manic vibration which rips you into the closest closet where I hot breathe intense moments of life into your ear and maybe slip my hand down your pants. While I love the stories that Jennifer tells it no longer closely reflects who I am. How do peaceful people express themselves? I wasn't born that way. I am learning.xxx
My mother tells the story of the time she walked in on me having a full argument as an infant with my father which seems bizarre but she is no liar. I could fight before I could speak. I was uncomfortable almost all of the time. I didn't bond easily with others as a small child. I was too shy to even say "Hi" to the jump roping girls who lived on the Outside. I was a special little Monster. Peach skeleton with dark eyes all hot and wild. Hatched in Massachusetts with all the Frozen people I learned to hide inside.
Someone gave me a doll. I don't remember who. She had blonde hair that stood straight up and a tiny hole drilled into her vagina so she could pee. She was naked all the time and so was I. My difficulty to express myself began to subside. It was just a different language than Human English. I would patiently fill her neck hole with water from the rough waters of the bathtub faucet and anticipate the gush in her belly. Holding her up was not easy. She was almost as tall as I. My mothers friends would gather in our kitchen to smoke cigarettes and yell in husky Massachusetts voices about some fucking thing that fucking pissed them off. It's a sign of the Times. I'd sneak in the room and spin a record on my Disco Themed portable player and Dance with my Doll in all the flashing lights. Water flying all around our feet never missing a beat and they all stared. I thought they were mesmerized by my art and action and maybe that was a lie but it gave me sudden social strength and that's all that mattered. I became curious and began to piss along with the doll but no one really noticed. Suddenly I understood why it is so exciting to be Alive.
The weather grew warmer and I more restless so I started to make little puddles outside. I can still hear my Mothers tiny voice "Jennifah Lynne. Please don't pee pee outside". My Doll was on my bed and I was in the grass. She kept attacking me in my Dreams so we needed a break but I'd grown used to her company and wasn't so sure I wanted to be alone. I made friends with a little boy white as a rabbit and introduced him to the thrill of being Alive. I created a game I forced him to play. Holding a dirty plastic cup at hip level I stood a few feet away and commanded him to guide his pee stream into the cup. I was four years old so surely I plucked this idea from some strange Heavens. I'd squeal when he missed and be secretly thrilled with this Golden Shower Power. It wasn't sexual (even though I was) but it made me feel normal and capable of fun. The Sun looked down upon us children in the middle of what could be seen as Trouble and just blinked his spiral eyes. The spell was over. The pissing and the boy and the grass. I missed my mother and the Doll and maybe moved too far too fast.
I heaved my tiny body up the concrete stairs towards my young Mother and she hugged her soggy daughter still warm from Urine and Sunshine. The jump rope girls distantly sizzled from Outside and their chants reached inside my ear. "Cinderella dressed in yella...". I jumped up in the air and imagined the thrill of being the best someday. "Made a mistake! Kissed a snake!" The castle walls grew tall and I was safe again Inside but this time not hiding. Mama pops a piece of bread in the toaster and the world becomes the size of our kitchen. The windows are open and the black clouds are like erasers on the dusty blue last drops of day that suddenly become the star filled night. xxx
My mother tells the story of the time she walked in on me having a full argument as an infant with my father which seems bizarre but she is no liar. I could fight before I could speak. I was uncomfortable almost all of the time. I didn't bond easily with others as a small child. I was too shy to even say "Hi" to the jump roping girls who lived on the Outside. I was a special little Monster. Peach skeleton with dark eyes all hot and wild. Hatched in Massachusetts with all the Frozen people I learned to hide inside.
Someone gave me a doll. I don't remember who. She had blonde hair that stood straight up and a tiny hole drilled into her vagina so she could pee. She was naked all the time and so was I. My difficulty to express myself began to subside. It was just a different language than Human English. I would patiently fill her neck hole with water from the rough waters of the bathtub faucet and anticipate the gush in her belly. Holding her up was not easy. She was almost as tall as I. My mothers friends would gather in our kitchen to smoke cigarettes and yell in husky Massachusetts voices about some fucking thing that fucking pissed them off. It's a sign of the Times. I'd sneak in the room and spin a record on my Disco Themed portable player and Dance with my Doll in all the flashing lights. Water flying all around our feet never missing a beat and they all stared. I thought they were mesmerized by my art and action and maybe that was a lie but it gave me sudden social strength and that's all that mattered. I became curious and began to piss along with the doll but no one really noticed. Suddenly I understood why it is so exciting to be Alive.
The weather grew warmer and I more restless so I started to make little puddles outside. I can still hear my Mothers tiny voice "Jennifah Lynne. Please don't pee pee outside". My Doll was on my bed and I was in the grass. She kept attacking me in my Dreams so we needed a break but I'd grown used to her company and wasn't so sure I wanted to be alone. I made friends with a little boy white as a rabbit and introduced him to the thrill of being Alive. I created a game I forced him to play. Holding a dirty plastic cup at hip level I stood a few feet away and commanded him to guide his pee stream into the cup. I was four years old so surely I plucked this idea from some strange Heavens. I'd squeal when he missed and be secretly thrilled with this Golden Shower Power. It wasn't sexual (even though I was) but it made me feel normal and capable of fun. The Sun looked down upon us children in the middle of what could be seen as Trouble and just blinked his spiral eyes. The spell was over. The pissing and the boy and the grass. I missed my mother and the Doll and maybe moved too far too fast.
I heaved my tiny body up the concrete stairs towards my young Mother and she hugged her soggy daughter still warm from Urine and Sunshine. The jump rope girls distantly sizzled from Outside and their chants reached inside my ear. "Cinderella dressed in yella...". I jumped up in the air and imagined the thrill of being the best someday. "Made a mistake! Kissed a snake!" The castle walls grew tall and I was safe again Inside but this time not hiding. Mama pops a piece of bread in the toaster and the world becomes the size of our kitchen. The windows are open and the black clouds are like erasers on the dusty blue last drops of day that suddenly become the star filled night. xxx
I can see and hear it all through your descriptions.
ReplyDeleteFor some reason this is one of the clearest parts of my history in my memory even though it is the furthest away.
ReplyDelete